Revelations
Though God has given me peace, it still wasnt easy for me to release that heavy feeling. When another supervisor of mine came to me and told me to withdraw my letter, my heart was cut again. And I thought, after I had handed the letter I could really make up my mind. When he said that, I nearly reconsidered my decision to leave NST.
That night, God told me something in a very special way. I did my devotion and He didnt use the scriptures to talk to me. Instead, He came to my mind.
He said, "Well....take this as a preparation to what you will go throught the next time I call you to full time...." Hmm...makes sense. It cuts my heart to leave NST. But the next time, when I need to leave whichever job I'll be in at that moment when God calls, it may come by as easier for me. Because I'd had the experience. A lesson learnt.
The next night, another thought came to mind. I'll be leaving a path that I love for an unknown path, that I couldnt see, for the betterment of myself. Why? Because God had promised so.
That reminded me of Kath's sermon. Seeing the unseen. I am comfortable with the path I'm walking on and I love it. But yet, when God said..."turn to the next lane", it would not be easy. It's a new path and I couldnt see the end of the road. But because God had asked to turn..so I turned.
O Lord, thank You for the assurance. But Lord, take away my sadness. Bless my bosses and my colleagues as well as the company. For I love them all.
Divided
I emailed my future boss to ask whether I should study on anything prior to joining in January. And at the same time, asked on how long would I be needed in the team.
My boss answered me in a flowery email and told me no need to prepare anything.....and it seems that the 3 years of rotation...I'll only be shifting around in the same HR IT organisation in damansara...but to different teams.....
Why do I sound so shocked? sebab..i want to go to cyberjaya..where I can be near to Jane'nette they all and get extra cash for transport allowance (another RM1K).... and now..it seemed impossible..well, at least for the first 3 years...to be honest, I was most disappointed because I was really focused on the money.
And...during the interview session..i got 4 assessors...there was one chinese and the only malaysian lady whom I felt I didnt give her a good impression of myself.... and now...she would now be my direct supervisor/manager......
And this evening I was still in a dilemma whether I should leave NST because I am really comfortable with my current job. 28 days of leave, hefty sum of OT money, flexible working time cum lunch hours and most importantly I have no stress at all since day one of joining the firm.
I'll lose all those when I masuk Shell. That fear of moving to a new territory has been mounting ever since I signed Shell's offer letter. I'll be restricted to a chair and a desktop. Bound by time and the limited leaves had left knots in my heart. I was even more reluctant after I told my 3 NST supervisors that I'll be handing in my resignation letter tomorrow and 2 of them asked me to hold onto the letter because they won't let me go while a senior of mine cried because she's gonna miss my presence.
Time and time again..I've been asking God...is this really You working? Do You really want me to leave? If yes..do this...if no..don't do it...and every time, He did it...then I'll question Him again..Lord...is this really You? Or is it because satan is pretending to be You so that I'll move? Pretty funny of me eh?
I'm not a freaked minded person but this time, my heart is really cut into two.
After I did my devotion, God didnt speak to me through the scriptures but there was an urgency to check my mails. That was when I saw the mails sent by my future boss from Shell.
Numb by the news but yet...I was smiling to myself. Am really excited. I can feel the urge of embracing a new challenge. And immediately, all the doubts that I had were gone.
God gave me peace, with myself and with Him. I hope later on, when I go through any hardship in Shell, I can still cling onto Him and remember what I said here.
Awesome God
I'd burnt the bridge. But something happened and the pathway has been set again. I'm ready to cross over. Back to where I belong. Back to the arms of God. He is just too awesome. Too good and merciful!
The entire trip was supposed to be a getaway. A runaway plan that I had from reality, from work, from my current empty life. I just wanted to go there and get back the feelings that I had long lost. And I found it.
I went there not expecting too much. Only 2 long houses to visit and a youth camp to organise. I didnt volunteer to do a single sermon sharing. I knew I couldnt do it. I was too guilty and ashamed. I, who have been hiding from following God's orders, to preach His goodness will just be stamped with hypocrisy. So, I volunteered for what I could do best with my OWN ability. Praise and Worship.
And yet, I got chosen, after drawing lots, to do devotion for the 4th day. Well..I'll think of something.
First day (Sunday) - After reaching Ps Paul's house, he told us of our first hurdle. There was only one boat for us to the first long house, E. And that one boat would not be enough to fit all of us. Wow. What a start. Well, we did our devotion, Jane led, and the message touched on the blessings of Abraham, on humility...we prayed and we slept. Left the problem aside and let God handle the situation.
Second day - We had another boat. How, what, why, I have no idea. I didnt ask and I wasnt sure anyone else had asked. But, God provided. And off we went on a 2-hour (about that) river journey to E. Reached there, saw that there werent many people and I was happy. I didnt have to talk much. We did songs, sharing and testimony and everything went well. Devotion - touched again on humility.
Third day - We did group discussions with the people in the morning and after that..off to our second long house, RL. Also took us around 2 hours and that's the first time we met Ps Stephen, the new shepherd for RL who came from Bario. My boat had 7 ppl and lots of bags. It was so heavy. Too heavy that the boat capsized. I was so busy scooping water at the back that when Tracy, ps Kanyan's wife asked me to get out..I was still scooping water! I got out of the boat when it was already turning. My leg was trapped underneath and I shouted in fright. Ps Paul came and grabbed hold of me and pulled me out. I was safe though my leg was bruised a little! Thank God! But Ps paul hurt his leg and some skin peeled off and there was blood. Devotion - again on humility
Fourth day - Morning, Ps Paul had left us. He needed to go back to Roland's kindergarten's graduation day. We had a high praise. I let Jane'nette handled the worship and God was AMAZING! His presence was so strong and almost everyone could feel it! Just an hour of singing and praying and that was it! God was there for His people.
Had a picnic with the people by the river bank and we had babi hutan!!!!
It was this day that I did my devotion and again..touched on humility. Kevin said he needed to learn on being humble and somehow, I sensed the same thing for myself.
I realised I'm beginning to be proud of myself as a reporter. I have access to many CEOs and ministers and they have to speak tenderly to me because they have to bow to my pen. That had instilled pride in my life.
At the same time, some conflict was going on in the group. Everyone came with a heart to serve but all wanted to serve in their own ways. No unity. No trust. So, I shared on we are all equal and that we have our own strength and weakness. Our group is special because we complement each other. That touched some of the team members.
I forgot the time but I will definitely remember the deadly beast. I went to the toilet with Jane'nette and I went ahead first. I needed to shoo away the lizards for Jane. I came out and she went in.
Then she opened the door and that was when I saw it. Sticking at the back of the door, which was facing the toilet, was a big black scorpion. I was so taken aback that I took a step backward. Jane saw my face and she too tilted her back backwards a bit. "What??" she asked. I couldnt tell her. She might panicked or hit the door or stayed nailed to the ground, refused to come out from the toilet. So I said nothing and immediately changed the topic. I asked her why did she open the water tap. She should just leave it and we should head back. She answered that she wanted to fill up the pail first so that the next morning, there would be enough water for people to use. I kept on staring at the beast while Jane kept on talking. It wasnt' moving. Soon, Jane came out. And I was praying..LORD, Please don't let Jane touch the door when she step out..please! And she didnt..
Once she stepped out of the area, I immediately grabbed hold of her hand and pulled her to my side and I fixed my eyes at the door again. She followed my eyes and she was shocked to see the scorpion. We called an indai and she killed it with a stick. God had saved us!
At night, Ps Kanyan said there was only one hilux for us all to travel back. One truck for 12 people, including him and his wife, Tracy. Wow...I doubted if we could fit. Ps said he's trying to get another vehicle..if not..the 2-hour bumpy journey would be difficult for all of us.
Fifth day - Left for Ps Paul's house in TWO HiluXes!. The scenery of the hills and rivers from on top was simply amazing! WOW! As Kevin was preparing for his devotion, he looked at the art of God and told us he's thinking of songs about mountains and all.
During the devotion, we sang "Your steadfast love extends to the heavens..Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds..Your righteousness is like majestic mountains..and Your wisdom like the depths of the sea, and You come to me"..
Prepared for youth camp. Very long discussion on just the registration name tags..wow..I was super irritated by the details.
Night came. A group of youth, who would be attending the camp, came to Ps' house. That was when something shocking hit us. These people had everything planned out for the camp and they only needed us to fill in two slots! We were stunned.
That was when the "humility" msg hit me. We planned for everything. Thinking we were way above them. We have the experience and the resources. We were dead wrong. Their plans were simple but their faith was way stronger.
Sixth day - Youth camp. Another shocking thing happened. The youths, about 30 of them ( I think), were so open and outspoken! We had imagined them to be quiet like those from the long houses but no!! They talked and danced and sang so loud that the rooftop could come off anytime! Again, I was humbled because of my perception about them. God can use everyone and if God is with them, their lives can be transformed.
Seventh day - I have to share. Was forced to. Just because we had an empty slot in the morning (Ps John's slot but he couldnt make it) I was asked to do it. We had something planned during the missions retreat. A message about the foundation of Christ' identity.
I panicked the night before. Knowing that the msg I had was more relevant for non Christians and I found out that around 90 per cent of them are believers. But I don't know about their spiritual level. And when I prayed the other night, I heard "Tell them God is their friend". So I changed the sharing to that. Then another thought came, "Tell them God has chosen them". So I will.
Bob, Su Chen and Joash shared their testimonies. Then it was my turn. I prayed hard that morning. I knew I have sins in my life and I was not worthy to stand there and share God' s words to these people. But since I was chosen, Lord, use me. Don't waste their time. They are there to hear You and to seek You. Please forgo my sins and use me. I said.
And He did. There was a sketch in between my sharing. A skit on how Jesus was betrayed by Judas and then He was crucified. I nearly cried. Tears were there but I couldnt let myself cry. I had to speak clearly. And I kept on praying. God...what is Your message to them?
And then, I knew I was talking but I had no idea what I said. God had taken control.
Altar call. The youths came out. Crying, screaming, kicking. Hungry for God. God was at work. And again, I was humbled. Humbled by His mercy because He was willing to use me. I have betrayed Him by disobeying Him, by running away, but He still loves me. He is willing to take me back. I knew, I had to come back. I can't afford to lose God. And so I prayed that I will.
It was then, that, my life was changed. My empty heard was filled once again by His presence, His love and His peace. All these while, because I shunned Him, my heart was filled with work, with pride and with money. I was aftering wealth. But No..I wasnt' happy at all. I was lonely. I longed for what I had before. That contentment that no humans, no things can ever satisfy. I long for God in me. And I was desperate to get it back.
I came back to KL, missing the pastors and the great awesome miracles and provisions God has showered us with. Everyday was filled with surprises and love. He was just so awesome!
